Can I ever go back to the past?

To when I was carefree and wouldn't even notice the world is ending if it is. Walking around the obstacles in my life instead of overcoming it. That was me. In the past.

I never quite cared about anything. Because it doesn't concerns me. Nothing is a problem when you consider it no problem. I always think of it this way. And nothing is a problem for me. I don't have to overcome it. It'll resolve by itself. It seems that miracle will somehow strike down my problems whenever they arise. But the last time miracle strikes, it made me the happiest person alive. Though it was short-lived.

After my short-lived happiness, I no longer can walk around my obstacle. Because on top of that, other people's problem became my problem. At first I was just being helpful. Then it became a routine. Soon, it was unstoppable. I guess this is what growing up is.

I used to club without feeling tired and enjoy myself, looking forward to the next clubbing with my friends. But this is what happen last saturday.

We reached MOS and the crowd was fantastic. Not the usual crowd you see around. Most of the people there are those we love to see, if you get what I'm saying. We grab a bite first and by the time we return, the crowd got bigger. But it was still cool. We went in and dance for a bit while looking out for "prey". As usual the "prey" that fits our appetite is harder to spot at MOS then at Zouk. All of a sudden, a group of Korean rushes past us and took our spot. The three of us was no match for their enormous group. So we just stand behind em and continue dancing. All of a sudden one of the girls from the group who we don't find attractive one bit at all started to dance very close to me and in between using her body to touch mine. She even look back and smile. I kept my distance. A safe distance that is. Somehow she was push a bit to my right thus Doman becomes her target. Doman keep telling me she is too much. A bit overboard that is which I reply with a loud laugh. And it is at this time I notice from the group that at the opposite side of me stood one girl who caught my attention. Her single eyelid eyes isn't too big or small, just nice. Her figure was slim and she was tall, which is the problem. She is way too tall. Taller then me. And she is wearing heels. But she is really pretty. Although I find her attractive, I spent the rest of the night laughing at the change of crowd as the night passes through and at the end of it I fell asleep every now and then. I'm too old for such stuff I guess. I'm having lesser and lesser fun as my days passes me like a speeding bullet.

Anyway I don't feel any link for the two things I've wrote above.
No problem is a problem if you consider it no problem. I ought to do it sometimes now.
And can somebody please write in the freaking tagboard? I put it there for a purpose.

No one ever said it would be this hard.
Take me back to the start.
Nobody said it was easy.
No one ever said it would be so hard.
I'm going back to the start.

"You always think with your head. But not your heart."

I was told this just a few hours ago. I don't know when I started using my head more then my heart. In the end my heart was left alone. It was kind of like being put to sleep. No longer in use. And then I choose reasons over feelings. I choose to let reasons shines brighter then my feelings. I choose to let reasons flows stronger and faster then the feelings can from my heart. But those words struck me hard. I wonder for a moment. And I did some thinking.

Logically or emotionally.
Logically.
I still like that best.

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm quick to anger. At least I used to be. But now I angered at the slightest thing. I don't know what it is because I am confused too myself. I've been leading my days aimlessly. No goals, no aims. Nothing. But something always comes to mind that makes me smile and look at the sky above.
My friends.
Everyone of em.
The crappy nonsense we shared, the silly fun we had. Everytime I got drunk, they were there to take care of me. I have no worries. Even though I'm mostly the only one dead drunk. But I always ended up safe and sound back at home. I don't need to bring up names because we all already knows in our heart who we are. I'm not the friendly-ist person because I've already got all the best friend I've need. I don't need many friends. Just a handful will do. Just a few good men. And women.

All I wanted is to hug my friends and laugh with em. Drink beer or whatever till we drop. Club, dance and grind b*tches all night like we used to do. Even though we don't see each other often, I appreciate my friends. I love you all. I really do. Important no longers describe what you all are. Because its beyond words.

I've actually wanted to write tonnes of things here but the bloody god damn rain has got to come. Now I can't see a damn thing through my window. Not a damn thing.

Elise suggested that I find a girl and moved to her house. I think thats a great idea. I mean whats better then slots and hugging your loved one? But I think its gonna last me two months before it ends. I have very little attention-lifespans. I cannot concentrate. Actually all of us cannot concentrate. Nevermind it.

Here's to a friend. Hope you learn something.

I used to feel what you feel right now. The sky darkens to a grey, the peace turns up to a deafening scream. Yes, I used to miss someone greatly and deeply. No one knows of the deafening silents I endured every day and night. Because I shared with no one. It was painful and yet I kept that feeling. Why? Because the very thought of forgetting that person makes my heart shivers. Maybe mine is worse then yours. The only one I've ever felt close with. The only one I open my heart to. And I did stupid things just to preserve that thought.
But as time went by, I grew. So does that thought. I no longer want her to return. Just knowing that she smiles and felt happy from day to day satisfied me. And as more time grew, that thought slowly vanishes. And I learned that I was just been selfish. Not knowing how and when to cherish what is most important to me and regretting at the loss of it. In the end I realised that whatever I do she's still besides me. Even though after the disappearances of that thought, I still miss her once in a while. But its the memories I truly missed. Even though we no longer feels the same as before and even though I still miss her sometimes, I know at least we used to share something similar.
Now my friend, isn't that enough?

After the rain, the temperature rises to a great heat. My spinning kicks no longer reach that height it used to soar. So does the turning kick and back kick.
Maybe I'm not young anymore for such stuff.
Maybe I need a new heart.
Maybe..
Somehow..
Well..
Perhaps..

I'm surprised that people actually read what I wrote. But I never read anyone's blog before. I never thought that without giving, you receive. I really think that my blog is boring. No pictures and stuff. Only entries. I'm really lazy. Its already a chore to me to type all this. But despite that I still wrote it. Because people actually ask me to update my blog. So I guess this is this week's dose of boring life. Enjoy people.

I've been watching tonnes of movies lately. The latest of all is Made of Honor with Priscilla. As usual, she laughs at the top of her voice and love to put her feet on top of the seat in front of her. Before that was Chocolate with Andy, SinHwee, DunQuan and Lynn. Its a pretty neat movie. Though the fighting wasn't what we expected, its still pretty neat. I realised something lately. There's always be at least one tranny in thai movies. Most of em that is. A few weeks back I was watching Shutter in camp and thats when I took notice. Chocolate has em figured in it. So is Tom Yum Goong. Enough about trannies. I wouldn't want to get myself started.

I got a pair of earrings lately. It looks exactly like the first series of CDG. Red hearts. Priscilla spotted it first so we both got one each. Or did she? I can't remember. I just remember she got herself a headband. And I also got a eco-friendly bag. Kenneth said that they actually give em for free. And wonder why would I actually purchase it. Damn. How was an army man gonna know that. Oh ya, spotted another feast-able eating place. Its at Bugis. Called MOF. Ministry of Food. Pretty good food but the miso soup isn't. The dessert was really sweet. I had some kinda red bean paste with ice cream and tang yuan in it. Priscilla had some kinda mango stuff which I wasn't keen in trading with her. She stole mine when I rejected her offer. Somebody is just that bandit. Oh, we saw Fiona Xie at Black Clover. She doesn't look different. Just like the one we saw on TV.

I can't believe that after so long, I still get the jiggles down my body whenever I played A Lonely September. September is really a great month. Or it used to be. One of the reasons being its next to October. The latest September has been.. Ordinary. But the feelings from the red box isn't there anymore. It has become just another dusty box. Old habits die hard. But sometimes, it just goes again. Priscilla said that people like us just doesn't really knows what we really want. But I think that the truth is, we've always know what we wanted. Its just that it no longer exists anymore. And we hold on to the shadow of it. After all, we're no longer young anymore.

Time doesn't heal all wounds.
Maturity does.

"A slight mistake triggers an explosion of a unstable mind."

I've been easily pissed by simple things this few days. Everyone just stands in my way or just had to provoke me.
Stuff like touching my f*cking computer volume when I've adjusted it to perfection myself. I don't care if its too loud or soft because its adjusted to suit me.
F*ck it.
Going through my stuff in my computer and having the cheek to tell me what you saw. F*ck that, its already labelled "MY DOCUMENTS" damn it, just leave it alone and do things that were permitted for you to do.
Using my space on my desk as yours isn't a very intelligent thing to do. Obviously its my desk and yet stuff unknown to me laid around freely.
And PEOPLE! For god sake, ugly ugly PEOPLE!
Walking slowly like taking a stroll and blocking my way. The PARK is a place where you can stroll till your freaking uncivilised legs falls off.
Rushing into the train when "Please let passengers alight first" has been repeated plenty of times. Must you people rush in and pick a seat? Is sitting down so important that if you don't sit down, your butt mutate into mindless zombie and bite off your windpipe?
Giving an agitated impression when someone else accidently touched you in a crowded place. Mind it please! Because we don't like to touch the likes of you either.
Making a lot of noise in a public place even though it is a "public" place doesn't makes you any cooler or shows that you're very happening. It just makes you an attention seeker. Or sucker. Whatever anyway. I'm in no mood to care.
People who can't make a firm decision should just drop the dilemma and f*ck off. Troubling others by needing their precious time to talk to you or console you when you make the wrong choice. Very irritating.

I'm not going to be so nice the next time someone agitates me. Its not going to be "Please don't touch my stuff" or "Please leave me alone". If you wanna lent stuff from me, drop that idea. Go get it yourself moron. Reading my mag when it only costs two dollars. I didn't buy it so that you could read it for free. Misers should sit in their own corners and wait for their turn to die. Be glad I say sit and not stand. Freaking lame-ass.
Unestimating something and thought that it should be the way you think it is but actually isn't, that makes you look stupid. Words like "It doesn't looks like it worth it" or "I could probably get it cheaper at some *wulu store" simply confirmed that you are not in the same league as me. If you aren't then don't shoot your mouth around dumbo.
Didn't know what to do in a club but keep acting like you actually had the powers to attract girls when you look dumber then a hippo earns you a punch right in your guts. If you don't pity yourself pathetic looks, at least pity your pride.
Acting like you're somebody else when in fact you didn't have the ability sure makes you hateful to me. Not courageous enough to show your comfortable self? Admit it, you're not with the big boys. You're trying to be, with no efforts at all.

If someones turns their back at you and walk away, turn yours and walk away too. Don't just stand and stare. I'm actually happy to remember someone who did that. I turned and walk away and like you promised before, you didn't stand and stare hopelessly. You did the same thing.

Damn it. I had enough.

"I'm going on the rails of a crazy train!"
The is one of the lines from one of the songs by Ozzy Osbourne. And thats what I'm feeling right now. Going on the rails of a crazy train. And who knows whose train is that. Give me some entertainment from above! I get a whole loads of off days lately but I just spent em at home. I sleep my way through the whole day which makes me lazier and lazier. Jogging is all that gets me going. Like gives me the motivation to get up and start moving around. But its boring to jog by yourself. So I tend to get somebody to jog with me. But it isn't looking very good. I guess being in the army gives you super stamina to run around an estate for like five rounds in fast mode. Most of the people I get to jog with me died after like one and a half. Well, actually just the two of em. Maybe I should try some friends making site and make more friends like Elise does. But then again, how troublesome will it be. Very, I guess. Yes, I just can't make up my mind.

Is there something magical out there somewhere? I kept thinking about that. How I'm gonna magically meet someone and how this life is gonna change. Its not emotional at this point of time but somehow its just... Hope I think. They always says when there is a will, there is a way. So how do I start with this will of hope? Randomly talking to strangers? You wouldn't even caught me talking to my neighbours! Let alone a stranger. I've brought this issue up for like many times. I just can't get an answer.

I just realised I always miss shows I wanna watch. Like AVP2. I remembered that clearly. Yuwen said she gonna watch it with me. Its our show after all. But like a empty hollow log her promise has always be, we missed it. Thanks to her ever busy lifestyle. Can't blame people from changing, can I? I realised how it is to only be called up when you were thought of during the time of boredom. If you're bored and has no one to turned to, keep to yourself and don't contact people you haven't contacted for a long time. Or your head gets bitten off.

My language has somehow being influenced. I just can't put a word to it. But here's something.
Intelligent and character.
That is the true power of Education. =)