To be or not to be.
Its a phase which we heard quite often from plays and shows. I've been asking myself that nowadays. But not to be is always the decision. But then the question is did I made the right choice?
Lately I've been thinking if I had got myself a girlfriend, I wouldn't be in the loners club wondering what to do every weekend. But then again if I got one, I'll be lost in the twin heaven. And so it sent me back to my memories.

If I didn't let go of my past romance, would I be happier?
If I've taken my studies seriously, would I be happier?
If I'm not the "anything" kind of person, would I be happier?
If I've been more social, would I be happier?
If I've been born as a girl, would I be happier?

Damn. So many questions. So little knowledge. But I know that I'll find all the answers to this questions on June 2009. Its coming soon. It has to.

If I didn't threw it away, would I had felt that happiness that we planned to have?
I wanted to savour it. Every moment with you. But time passed so fast that I almost forgot how you looked like sometimes.
But I'm still influenced by some of your habits though I wonder if they still lingers in you.
I see that you've changed. Something I didn't imagine you would become.
If its in the past, I would have done everything I could to bring you back to my side and kept you safe from the outside world which I know so clearly that was corrupting you.
But time has drag us apart so far that I could only speak to you and feel for you, blaming myself.
I remembered how you hold my hands and how I hold yours. That feeling your eyes emit when we lock eyes together, it never left.
Your touch on my body send chills of excitement and joy. And that feeling too has never left.
I'll never forget that look on your pretty face when you said that to me.

"If we manage to live together till we aged, never ever die before me. For I'll pledge you unfaithful to me for that. Because to die before I do and leave me alone in this world knowing that you'll never come back, is just the worst that you could do to me. For I simply need that ounce of strength that you secretly gave me everyday to live through every single day. Let me be selfish, let youself suffer. Let me die before you because I just can't imagine myself without you. Promise me never to stop giving me that strength. Promise me never to leave me behind. Promise me, my love..."

I failed and you've pledged me unfaithful towards you. But you still live on as a normal human being just like I do. I did not die neither did I left you behind. I just merely...
Let go of you.

What should I write? Well.. Here's something.

I used to believe in almost everything. Actually everything. Then it became almost everything. Now, nothing. You see, hear and come across stuff you thought it goes with the way it goes and follow it through like how Mary goes, around and around and around. You spin around in circles believing your own law of nature. But something is quietly hiding in a corner away from the degree of vision from your eyes to avoid detection. Reality or so is what they called it. I grow weary of people who used to share lots of memories with you but changed after meeting someone new or changes their character over time. We hit so many sh*ts together and fall hard together so many times yet in the end we're left with that few from the many we started with.
Disappointed.
It made me don't wanna step out of my space anymore. Readers who don't understand what I'm saying, just look back in your life and try to remember those you once shared wonderful and happy memories with. If you do, congratulations. If you don't, I hope you do in due time.

That's all. I'm beginning to speak lesser and lesser. I'm gonna disappear.
I really am.