The previous post was nothing but a fake. One day's event can change a whole concept. The feeling of comfort and ease can only be imagine.
I was never borned with that affection towards my loved one. Or rather, I was never given one. I've repeated this a million and one time. No point showing that after I've grown and my thoughts has matured itself. You have made your problem my problem.

I have no more to say. It will all go away when I leave this house. And for people who always tells me to stand in their shoe, you all can only imagine the situation I was put upon.

All that feelings and the need to sacrifice for someone you love is just plain stupid and absurd.
I hope this is the last time I'll post about something so absurd.

I'm utterly down on my luck this month. Sometimes you just can't remember how things starts. Like how my downfall this month starts. And when I started to distance myself from my family. And also how I started feeling familiar with this current situation like I felt before.

But thanks god I came across a few songs which draw me towards it. And also a person who add colors to my life. Again. Life isn't so boring after all now. But unlike in the past, I just wanna enjoy and appreciate all of it now. Yes, appreciate will be nice. Appreciation. I should have learn it ages ago. Sometimes I dream of it and waking up thinking it really happened for that few seconds before I realised it was all but a dream. Unlike in the past I get frustated from the moment I realised it was all a dream, I felt lighter and brighter ever since. Maybe thats what they call growth. I don't know. Whatever it is, I love to keep it this way. As long as I can. This positive feeling and this comfortable feeling. Knowing someone is there. Its a... What do we call it? Its a... A strong feeling. Yes. A strong feeling. Not just consoling words but down to earth words which pulls you back. Not many are good at that.

I've never really cared about anything. In fact, I've been selfish all the while. But I've learnt to just share. Right now I felt like I'm standing on top of the world. That breezy feeling. I still can't find any poetic words to describe it. Let me think.
Nope. I don't feel the words in my bone today. Maybe next time.

I've died in your arms that night.
It must be something you said.
It must have been that kiss.
I refuses to die.
Until I let go.
Now.
I'm leaving peacefully.

I've never put any thoughts into anything lately. I smile in my sleep lately and I love eating chocolate lately. I thought I'll be left bitter about that decision I made but I guess not. Sweet beginnings do appear. Although its just simple communication but I felt taken back to the past. Nevermind about that but I looked forward to it instead.

Maybe I haven't left that self imagined room. Can I leave it or will I be trapped? I never know. Is it really ain't no mountain high enough and ain't no valley low? But the more I think about it, the more I wanna do something.

That is to close that door of mine and falls sleep. Hope that door never opens. I felt safer that way.

Many people thought that I was grieving for a lost love in the last post. Yes I'm grieving. But that story never happened. But this is not what I want to say. I wish you were reading this.

Affection of blood relatives. Absurd. I never possessed such absurd emotions in the first place. I changes myself just so that you could feel happy. I changes myself just so that you could continue your endless complaining of how this world is unfair to you. But have you ever think about how its unfair for me? Or us? You might have, but I don't feel that you thought about it seriously.
Can you understand how hard it is to face one's fear and problem all by themselves? With no help and no one to turn to. You can turn to me when you feel stress and you can dump it all on me when you don't feel good. Because I forced this so called affection of blood relatives onto myself just so that you could complain and feel good. I'm trading my sanity for yours. I lost my childhood just because of your outrageous anger. I thought you cared. Because all my life I didn't felt you did. But I was wrong. Because everything beats down to a payment? A payment for my youth.
While kids were complaining about having to finish their vegetable or what toys their friends have, I was forced to face the world and grow. I stand in your shoe and thought for you. But did you stand in mine and thought for me? I had enough of everything. Your screaming and your groundless reasons and concept is not what I could tolerate nor contain. I don't feel the needs to stand by you anymore.

Because I never possessed such absurd emotions in the first place.